Year two. My two year cancerversary 💗💗(.)(.)

Year two. My two year cancerversary 💗💗(.)(.)

I woke up this morning after a very insightful dream. It's amazing how dreams are insightful during the hours of 2-4 AM. I decided that I was like a great granite table -that you found on sale. The most Beautiful table - and the only thing wrong with it was it had a small chip off the corner. When you looked at the table you didn't see the chip - just saw theBeautiful granite top. At the time you said I won't mind the chip - I'll never even see it. It's such a small part of the beautiful table.  And you buy it & you take it home and it's the most amazing brilliant, beautiful thing you've ever seen. 

But eventually you keep bumping into the chip. The chip scratches your skin, it's snags your favorite sweater. It gets to a point you never see the Beauty of the table anymore -you just see that chip - the chipped damaged corner.  So it's no longer a beautiful table - it's just a damaged piece. 

Then, more time passes and eventually you realize you can sand the chipped corner, smoothing the edges down so it's no longer harmful and damaged. The damage is still there, but it's less than it was before.and you're back to seeing the table that you originally loved.  But now you see its beauty -& all its flaws. But you still love it and perhaps even love it more because of its character - it's perfections - it's imperfections.

Yes, I got all that at 4 o'clock in the morning. 

If you haven't found it yet and you're on Facebook, timehop is an awesome app!  Was looking through one year -two years ago today -to see what pictures I had posted, my comments I had made. A year ago I talked about how cancer has taken a lot from our family & How I hoped to"re-find" my faith and for prayers over the last year to be answered. 

Well the journey continues. Still working on figuring out where my faith got stuck. A lot of bitter conversations with God have occurred. Still no resolution. But we're still talking. So I figure that's a good thing. 

Prayers I made werent answered. Dreams were crushed. Life courses irrevocably changed.The loss of my sister and best friend this year has nearly crushed me.The emptiness, pain, and survivors guilt sometimes is so overwhelming. But in those moments all I can do is smack myself and remind myself that Suzanne would do *anything* to be here -right now -doing whatever it is that I'm doing. So I forge it on, slightly damaged but still intact, doing my best to live a full, amazing life as she would expect -and demand -of me.

Rocky road but only one more to go!

Good morning all! Sorry I've been MIA but I've been grumpy & well, if you have nothing nice to say....

I finished my 1st chemo cocktail without any major incidents & started my 2nd chemo regimen (Taxol) on May 13th, & started (what i thought was ) my 30 day countdown to my last chemo treatment - whih was supposed to be today, June 13th! Well Taxol had different ideas!

Nothing but trouble. Taxol & I were like a drama filled teenage relationship..

I got thru my dirst round of taxol, but when i went back for my 2nd dose two weks later, my chemo got CAncELled b/c my blood counts were too low. Frickin doctors. Frickin Taxol. Platelets Went from 181 last week to 63. Nervous nellies. Whatever. I told doc I would be fine & promised not to start spontaneously bleeding but he did not see things my way. Said I would feel great with an extra weeks break. Whateverrrrr. No blood transfusions needed so I guess that was some Good news. Just needed to watch for bleeding from ears nose gums... I'm a walking horror movie. Pls refer to me as bride of chuckie only from now on

Upside was I did have an extra week to recover so felt like a champ when Gigi's 5th birthday rolled around & the tooth fairy came to visit her. All in one week!

By the next Thursday my numbers had rebounded! It was either all the green leafy veggies I've been eating... Or the jelly donut from the gas station that am 😎, so they hooked me up & got ready to go...

30 minutes later I got thrown off Taxol - chemo halted as Taxol was causing me long bone spasms up & down spine equivant to labor contractions. Imagine repeated knife stabbings in your spine.

Got sent home that day & had to come back Friday to start new drug (taxotere - cousin of taxol but easier). Because of the change in drugs had to also switch to 3 week cycle so won't be done until July. Grr!!! Angry face!

Taxotere still made me feel like crap, with mild neurpoathy in hands, bone pain and still tired (but occasionally suffer from insomnia?), but the most interesting side effect was a rash that resembles poison ivy all over my body - Isn't that grande?

Well today I went back for my taxotere. Dr. Dropped my taxotere dose by 10 mg b/c of crazy rash but not Dr. Dropping my taxotere dose b/c of crazy rash but luckily did not get thrown off regimen Woo hoo!

Made it thru the dose so I only have 1 more chemo cycle left! fingers crossed!!

Also get to do next chemo on July 8th so all clear for 4th activities!

Survived soccer season, but now doing gymnastics team 3 days a week, doing some random kids camps (cross country/tennis/golf/cross country) & did sign grace & her peeps up for a competitive soccer tournament for next weekend, so life is still crazy but all good distractions!

Living my [ab]normal life

Hello to all! Sorry if I have been AwOl, but I've been busy. Living. My life.

Its been in the 70s here. We've got the convertible out for church on Sunday, went to the donut store & zoo after. Was I bone tired from chemo last week Thursday? Yes. But I tried a new technique of not sitting down so I could get things done & it seemed to work. I even got a bit randy and stopped at Home Depot and bought mulch to start the front yard project. It's not finished but its started!

In the meantime, my cancer journey continues. I wish I was done with Chemo. I hate it. Going to the cancer center gives me a visceral reaction. I get nauseous just driving there.

Now, thats just me being whiny. I don't have a real reason to complain compared to what my sister & others have to go through. I have got it easy in the chemo world. My side effects are minimal: I suffer from the queasies & bone jarring exhaustion. The exhaustion seems to take a little longer to go away each time but that's it. I did get an iron infusion (Venofer) to help with my low iron/tiredness. Not a bad experience but why can't the dr just prescribe a nice steak dinner? 😁🐮🐮🐮. I try to take care of the queasies with regular trips to McAllisters deli or Chipotles.

I have not read thru all my anti-cancer books or started cooking new foods because I'm too TIRED to read or concentrate. I try to save my powers of concentration for the office. I cook dinner as fast as I can some nights & dream of going to bed. Don't call me after 8pm because I'm pretty much guaranteed to be in bed by then. I've missed all my favorite 10pm TV shows b/c I'm long asleep. I should figure out how to record them so I can watch them at 4am when I'm wide awake. Yep chemo induced exhaustion with a side of insomnia. What a kicker, huh?

I have one more dose of my current cocktail then switch to the next flavor -word is that the 2nd cocktail will be easier. I still have chemo every other week til June 13 =
April 18 - Adriamycin, cisplatin chemo cocktail
May 2 - Taxol chemo cocktail
May 16 - Taxol chemo cocktail
May 30 - Taxol chemo cocktail
June 13 - Taxol chemo cocktail

& in the mean time soccer begins next week! and will keep us busy & be on a soccer field every weekend from next Saturday (April 20th) to Saturday June 8th.. . And yes my crack-a-lakin self is coaching again!

So know I am alive & well and occasionally dozing with my eyes open and as much as you love me & are worrying, I'm doing okay and I love you right back 10x to the moon!

Honoring the American eagle

It's been said before by numerous people but it is worth saying again .... hair loss is D I S G U S T I N G.

All the literature I received said that hair loss would occur in 14-21 days. Right on target.

As I sit here on day 20 of my chemo adventure I can tell you They nailed it. My hair loss in the last 48 hours overwhelmed me. I was really hoping I would benefit from my genetically thick hair & just keep it thin and sleek.

I decided this morning when I woke up and LOOKED like a cancer patient that I'd had enough.

The girls & I had fun this morning trying on wig options. Georgia could pass as Billy Ray Cirus' child.

This afternoon I accepted I will be bald for Easter ... & yes, I am planning on painting my head. As such, I decided to get this freaking hair off my head and got my head shaved this afternoon. I decided I would rather be bald than look like a chemo patient.

As always, there still an upside. The American cancer society has contacted me about doing a news promo spot for the Pantene wig I received. I could become famous! Hahahaha

Batter up!

1st cancer chemo treatment cycle down. #2 round today & then only 6 more to go - yippee!

So everyone asks how ya doing? All I can say that chemo "is not my favorite" ( as Gigi likes to to say about things that she hates like broccoli).

I was blessed with round #1 with minimal side effects. I'm praying that my luck continues with round #2. Plus this time I know what to expect & WHeN to expect it...

Day 1 - queasy. Antibnasua meds take care of it

Day 2 - nothing exciting to report. Waiting for excruciating bone pain to happen - nothing.

Days 3&4 - good but sooo tired. 3 naps a day help!

Day 5 - back to work. Tired but good.

Thought I was home free. Surprise!

See, what the med peeps don't warn you about is the ~timeframe~ for everything. You might be some ideas that certain things will happen on certain days but I had some surprises ...

Neulasta! I took the warnings seriously when both my physician and nurse warned me about bone pain after the Neulasta. I was told to expect is Saturday night. it came & went & I thought I was home free. what they failed to mention was that it may also kick in when your white cells bottom out 8-10!days later. Mine began day 7 after the dose and persisted for 2+ days. imagine random pains in my sternum (crushing chest pains ) you might be having a heart attack followed byrandom back spasms which felt like I thru my back out, followed by worstmenstrual cramps ever, followed by a walking like a ninety year-old with rheumatoid arthritis. Aand having it last for 2 1/2 days. :)

Now I wait on my hair. I still have it!!! Now I still have another 1- 5 days before it may happen. I just keep tugging on it in the morning and so far it's staying put.

I feel grateful my body feels great - that's my good news!

In celebration of still having hair. Here's a "so good, so easy" for you that involves hair

ANGEL "HAIr" AGLIO OLIO
Maggiano's Little Italy Copycat Recipe

Serves 2

3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/8 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/4 pound angel hair pasta, cooked

Add to skillet oil, garlic, red pepper and saute for 3 minutes. Add cooked pasta and 1/4 cup of pasta water, salt and black pepper, toss and server immediately

Swimming with Manatees

I've been thinking about my "bucket list"of items recently; more specifically, I want to swim with manatees -and also Dolphin - okay maybe not swim with them. More like go to Seaworld and sit on a dock and feed them & pet them on their noses. I think this is because I've watched too many episodes of Good Morning America's Sam Champion's Sea Rescue show. Perhaps because its much more entertaining to daydream about these wonderful moments than focus on reality.

Lately I've been PETed, MUGged & today I start my first round of chemo - Cytoxan + Adriamycin (also known in cancer circles as the "red devil").

I mean, who want to take drug named that?! I figure the one thing I have going for me is I am sure several old boyfriends probably called me the Red Devil on occasion so at least we are evenly matched.

I am not happy to have this disease, nor is anyone who has it. So what do I do?

I surround myself with amazing people who pray for me, who bring me meals or get take-out chinese to show up magically at my door, send me cards (some everyday), clean my house, offer to scoop my dog poop, check in on me constantly, drive me places when I can’t, offer their homes, offer to take my kids to kidventures, offer support to my mother and sisters, come over to keep me company or go to lunch with me, offer their friendship and love . . .

I consider myself the luckiest person in the world because I have kids that tell me they love me again and again and again, who offer me sweet kisses and melty hugs, who make me giggle when they tell me I'm "cray cray" becuase I'm acting too silly & "Um-barrassing"them, who want to help by making me luke-warm hot cocoa for a treat at night, who have mastered the art of a cup of tea & even know that I like milk in mine though they do not, who think its extra fun to tuck ME in at night if i am so tired i don't have the energy to tuck them in ...

I am grateful to have been blessed to have a family who loves me, even when l act like an idiot, who cry themselves to sleep at the thought of losing me & say, “I wish it were me,” and they mean it . . .

So I continue to thank God for my life just the way it is! I have had a good life, and I intend to live for many years to come. I plan on seeing my Girls grow up. I plan on kissing a manatee, I plan on going whitewater rafting again the minute! I am able, I plan on going to northern Michigan as much as I can to stuff my pockets with petosky stones from my Aunt's Secret beach and as many free samples from Cherry Republic as I can get!

In the meantime. Found a recipe you might enjoy-

Red Devil Cocktail

Ingredients
1 1/2 oz Southern Comfort
1 1/2 oz Vodka
2 oz Triple Sec
1 1/2 oz Peach Schnapps
1 1/2 oz Sloe Gin
2 oz Orange Juice
1 splash Grenadine
Best served in a Highball Glass.

Happy Valentines Day

Love comes in lots of different forms & this valentines day I can say I have never felt more loved.

My gifts I received? Yep got the standards - my DeBrands chocolates (thanks Mom) & a wonderful Valentines day card from the girls (with a little help from a Titi)

But also got some other wonderful gifts too. I got a 4 year old who I just discovered loves to empty the dishwasher. I have an 8 year old who has mastered the art of hot cocoa & microwave popcorn. I've got 2 little kids who want to tuck ME into bed at night b/c they know its hard for me to bend over right now to tuck me in. I've gots friends who ate pancakes for an entire week! Just to show there love & support. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a blue Tiffany box as much as the next girl, but the gifts I've received recently are worth so much more.

So for those out there still searching for their "true love", let me tell you, you probably already have it.