CALL ME ID

CALL ME ID

Did I mention I am not a patient person?  And that I think delayed gratification is a crock of sh*t?  Yep, I know, you’re shocked.

According to Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personality, personality is composed of three elements --known as the Id, the Ego and the Superego.  According to Freud, the id is the only component of personality that is present from birth. This aspect of personality is entirely unconscious and includes of the instinctive and primitive behaviors. According to Freud:

The id is the source of all psychic energy, making it the primary component of personality.  The id is driven by the pleasure principle, which strives for immediate gratification of all desires, wants, and needs. If these needs are not satisfied immediately, the result is a state anxiety or tension. For example, an increase in hunger or thirst should produce an immediate attempt to eat or drink. The id is very important early in life, because it ensures that an infant's needs are met. If the infant is hungry or uncomfortable, he or she will cry until the demands of the id are met. However, immediately satisfying these needs is not always realistic or even possible.

Yep, that’s me all right.

Started my morning off with my long-awaited consult with the plastic surgeon.  Been [im]patiently waiting for a month to meet with him to discuss what my “reconstruction options” are.  You want to know what they are?  Here’s the video Dr. Boobi-opo  had me watch:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiSL8E6Sckc&sns=em

 

 

So anyway, I started the morning fully prepared.  Even remembered to bring my coffee in.  Bad news is I nearly wet my pants because I had to wait so long.  Today’s goal was to not leave his office without a plan of action & a surgical date.  Sad to report that the goal was not met.

 

Here’s a quick summary of my meeting with Dr. Boobi-opo:

1) He is recommending DELayed reconstruction due to possible Radiation invasion to left breast when they zap my pit - need to wait 6 months after radiation.

2) He recommends just a unilateral mastectomy with “facelift” on other.

 

 So here I sit frustrated for so many reasons. Frustrated b/c I have already waited a month to still have no concrete plan of action, frustrated because I still have to wait, that I will have to go thru:

·         surgery = 1 month

·         chemo = 4-6 months

·         Radiation = 1 month + wait 6 months before I can get reconstruction.

My bad math says I will be without boobies for 12+ months! THAT SUCKS.  My inner 4 year old child is kicking her feet & lying on the floor wailing out of frustration.

Now logically, I get it.  I understand the doctor’s concern that even though I am only going to need radiation in my armpit, it will “spillover” to left breast & it is better to replace possible irradiated skin with fresh tummy skin (yep, this girl is gonna get a free boob job – tummy tuck out if this!) than to risk doing reconstruction first & damaging fresh new tissue with evil radiation beams.  Like I said, I get it.  However, inner child is NOT having any of it.

 

I’m also frustrated with the doctor’s implication that a bilateral mastectomy would somehow be medically unnecessary.  Does he not get that the strongest risk factor for breast cancer is age. At 40, my risk of developing breast cancer would be 1.47 % (or 1 in 68). At 70, it would be 3.82 % (or 1 in 26).  Or that only 7% of the women with breast cancer are under 50! What that means is that all the “studies” are focused on a control group that 93% of are (well) over the age of 50 – most in their 60s or 70s.  Yes, I am aware of the studies that indicate that a bilateral mastectomy may not decrease the risk of developing a contralateral breast cancer (getting cancer in the other boobie), but I have a life expectancy of another 37 years.  A 65 year old woman has a life expectancy of 20 years.  A 75 year old woman has a life expectancy of 12 years.  Translated, I have more years to live so I more years in which for cancer to reoccur.  Or how about as a younger woman, I am 9 times more likely to get cancer again if I do a lumpectomy vs. a mastectomy.  I think there was also a recent report that mammograms are not needed until age 50.  Umm, Hello? 46 here.  Cancer caught by routine annual mammogram at 46.  Cancer has already spread beyond breast into lymph nodes.  Hello? Anyone? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I would be dead by the time I reach 50 if I had waited.

There are lots of studies, but I don’t give a CRAP about studies.  This is about ME – Pam, Pamela, Daughter, PameLAMi, Doodie, Mother, Sister, niece, cousin, aunt, godmamma, friend. ME GODDAMIT!

I don’t care that my risk of developing cancer in the healthy breast may be “fairly low.”  If I get to choose between 1% and 9%, I chose the 1%.  DCIS is associated with an increased risk of invasive breast cancer.   I’m young; I have a strong family history of all kinds of cancer.  I will do everything in my power to prevent my girls from having to watch me die from this.  GODDAMMIT.

The best comment I found from someone who also faced this decision was “I decided to only dance with this devil once.”  At the end of the day, I’m just going with my gut. Cut these puppies off. 

On a more positive note, I solved my problem.  I can get Immediate Gratification.  I can make Immediate Gratification Jam.  Yep, that is its real name.  Don’t you just love Google?

Here’s the recipe–

This jam is not preserved in airtight jars with wax seals. It's completely fresh, and you only make enough to last about a week because it keeps well in the refrigerator for that long. It is delicious on toasted French bread that has been buttered as lightly or liberally as your taste and waist allow.

Ingredients -

·         Strawberries, raspberries or blueberries*

·         Approximately 1 to 2 cups sugar, depending on how much fruit you use

Directions -

1.       If the strawberries are large, cut them into four pieces; if small, cut into two pieces. The blueberries and raspberries do not need to be cut.

2.       Put the fruit in a bowl and toss with sugar until all the fruit is coated with sugar.

3.       Put the fruit in a saucepan.

4.       Add water to halfway up the fruit in the pan.

5.       Bring to a boil uncovered.

6.       Lower heat to a simmer immediately, stirring occasionally.

7.       When the fruit has turned liquid, taste and add more sugar if it's not sweet enough.

 

Once the extra sugar melts into the fruit, the jam is ready. It still looks runny but will firm up enough after it has been refrigerated.

Happy New Year. I have cancer. Yep that says it all. Can I just stop there? Yeah, probably not.

Happy New Year.  I have cancer.  Yep that says it all. Can I just stop there?  Yeah, probably not.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble."

My TaTas.  I give full credit to Victoria’s Secret for how cute they look in this pic.

The one thing I love about Facebook it that it lets me know what my friends & family are up to in their daily lives – picked up kids, just had lobster, someone dressed the dog up in a batman costume & painted their toes. Mundane? Yes. But that is what makes me feel more connected with people I have not seen or talked to in ages because now I am part of their daily lives.

The downside about Facebook is it often results in a bunch of one-liners, so when something major happens, you always wonder - What? When? Who? Details please!!! Since there is only so much info I can put in a “status update”, my sister told me to blog it.

The short version –

Annual mammogram the Monday after Thanksgiving turns into cancerous tumors found in left breast & lymph nodes in left armpit. Living life with a cup half full prognosis: Girlfriend is getting a free boob job!

Longer version -

-Monday, Nov. 28th: Had annual mammogram Monday after thanksgiving.

-Tues: Received call requesting I come back for a recheck

- Wed: Diagnostic mammogram done & ultrasound requested by radiologist & done. 2 suspicious lumps in L breast. Also possible funny business in armpit lymph glands.

- Monday, Dec. 3rd: Had needle biopsy Monday.

-Tues: Still no biopsy results, but did get OBGYN to fax me copy of Radio. report. Not good. My BIRADS score was “5”. BIRADS = Breast Imaging Reporting and Data System. This indicates the radiologist's opinion of the absence or presence of breast cancer. It sets up a classification for Level of Suspicion (LOS) - the possibility of breast cancer. "5 = Highly Suspicious of Malignancy. Lesion that has a high probability of being malignant (>= 95%); take appropriate action." Not good. :(

- Wed: Preliminary pathology report in. Yep, its cancer.

- Fri, December 7th: Met with surgeon. Diagnosis: invasive ductal carcinoma - stage 2. Preliminary course of treatment most likely- double mastectomy +chemo. Still waiting on full pathology. Need to know if my cancer is receptive to hormones &/or “supercharged.

- MRI on December 12^th, genetic counselor & testing on the 13^th, back to the surgeon on the 14^th for further game planning, & Oncologist on the 31^st.

Diagnosis:

Ø  Invasive Ductal Carcinoma: Invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC), also known as infiltrating ductal carcinoma, is cancer that began growing in the duct and has invaded the fatty tissue of the breast outside of the duct. IDC is the most common form of breast cancer, representing 80 percent of all breast cancer diagnoses.

Ø  Stage 2 (a?)

Ø  Grade 1 (5/9)

Ø  Tumors found in (think of boob as a clock dial) left breast at:

–        @ 10:30  1.3cm

–        @ 10:00     9 mm

–        @ 12:00     6 mm

–        Funky business also found @ 6. Needs further testing

Ø  Tumors found in lymph glands – level 1 & 2 nodes (15 x 6 x 11 mm)

Ø  Hormone Receptor Status: ER+ / PR+ / HER-

Now what?

The good news in all of this is I have "plain old breast cancer", which means the most researched & the best treatable. However, the median age for diagnosis for cancer of the breast is 61.  I'm 46.  That’s young in cancer world.   Because of getting cancer at a young age, & because my life expectancy is  another 40+ years, the chances of my getting cancer again in my lifetime is high.  Because of that, I am opting to have a bilateral mastectomy. Mastectomy offers 1% recurrence rate - lumpectomy offers chance of 30% recurrence. I do NOT what to go through all of this again.  Appearance is a big factor in my decision too. Take a minute and Google “breast reconstruction” & you’ll see what I mean. To do a lumpectomy with all the funky business in my breast would give me more craters than the moon. Frankly, I want my girls to match & be symmetrical. And to be really frank about it, I’ve nursed 2 babies & lost 100 lbs., so the tatas I have are not that pretty without the help of Victoria’s Secret & could use a facelift.  Also, did you know that there is a breast reconstruction technique that involves me getting a tummy tuck too?!  I am soooo there!

Now I am just waiting on others’ schedules, Oncologist wants to do radiation in armpit due to lymph node invasion + definite for chemo due to my "young" age, size of tumor found since last annual screening, and the fact that it has spread to lymph nodes.  Meeting with Plastics guy on the 15^th to discuss my “reconstruction options.”  Drs then all coordinate their schedules.  No dates yet but probably end of January or beginning of February.

So how am I doing? Good. My Mom managed to raise 3 women who are amazingly strong, practical & resilient (my brother is a whole ‘nother blog article).  I’m not terrified.  I’m pissed off. The surgery doesn’t scare me.  The chemo is soo going to suck, but I am up for the fight.  The worst of all if it is the unknown -- Will this come back? When? What happens to my girls if things get really bad or go really wrong?  Those thoughts are the ones that get me.  I’m more worries about those who care about me than myself: my sister Suzanne was diagnosed & treated for cervical cancer just this past February.  She knows what I am in for because she‘s lived it; my sister Michelle has been scared witless by this – she knows what I am in for too with her medical background, & is scared at the thought that she is next (*great news just in: I’m NEGATIVE for the BRCA 1 & BRCA 2 genes! – girls in my family are not cursed!); and my Mom has now had 2 of her babies diagnosed with cancer within a year. Sucks!

In my “Living life with a cup half full” attitude, I am intrigued by the possibility of having some rockin wigs & not having to shave my legs all summer.  I am working on accepting all the love-help-support from those around me.  I plan on keeping my Starbucks card loaded. I am trying not to use my “I have cancer” card as an excuse for a shopping binge. I think that’s a good start.

Worth the Wait

Please just disregard all my whiny comments. It was sooo worth the wait. I am pleased to announce the birth of Georgia Olivia Day, born May 21, 2008, at 9:36 a.m., 8 pounds, 7.5 ounces, 20 inches long

You are NOT the father!

"You are NOT the father!" Okay, not referring to Greg. Just giving a little shout out to my favorite show Maury Povich. Cannot tell you how many chuckles Maury gave me over the last 3 months every time he said those words. Hehehehe. I know is sounds like a trivial thing, but one thing I learned on bedrest was to not take the small stuff for granted. There were many days I just laid in bed, no computer, no book, no TV and just stared at the wall wishing the minutes away. So having anything, even Maury, to make me laugh, was a blessing.

I am so grateful to finally be getting back into action after 9 1/2 weeks of bedrest. All my restrictions have been released at this point, and I have been able to return to work on a part time basis. The natural side effect of having been immobile for that long is that I have no stamina and any exertion makes me need to sit down. Luckily, being on bedrest that long has also made me learn a certain amount of patience, so I am just doing what I can do and forgetting the rest. Also, one of the perks of being athrophied is totally being justified in riding the electric carts at the stores. They rock!

In the meantime, I am now working on getting prepared for baby. I took Gracie to a "big Sibling" class last weekend, so she could learn what it takes to be a big sister and practice helping mom. She really enjoyed the class but wanted to trade in "her" baby, for one of the already born babies in the hospital nursery. Immediate gratification kid -- wonder where she got that from?

Gracie & mom at "Big Sibling" class with our

"anatomically correct" baby doll

Ialso went and celebrated on Thursday with a morning at the Spa with my gift certificates that my beautiful sisters gave me for my birthday. Massage lady started laughing when she asked if I had any areas that needed attention and I explained to her I just wanted someone to rub good-smelling lotion on all my extremities that I could no longer reach! I even had my first ever pedicure (have avoided them this far in life due to extremely ticklish feet due to years of torture during my formative years at my brother's hands) and have to admit, I enjoyed it! Kind of freaky to have someone else file your toenails, but my farmer feet look great.

In the meantime, I am just counting down the days! I have made it to 37 weeks (as of Wednesday) so we are FULL TERM. Baby is still sitting very high and shows no signs of wanting to come out despite the past few months of drama, so I fully expect to make it to our scheduled C-section date on May 21st. 12 MORE DAYS TO GO. I am feeling very round, and can only move at one speed, slow!

TRAVEL BUG

So, as I sit here on my 8th week of bed rest, I have been BIT by the travel bug. Here are my future plans for any interested joiners:



-- head down to Brown County State Park sometime around last 2 weeks of July. Baby will be at least 6 weeks old then, the Abe Martin Lodge in Brown County State Park will have their brand new 12,000 indoor water park up and running, and there are primo outlet malls near by, and my beloved sassafrass tea.



-- Las Vegas, black jack and craps



-- white water rafting next spring/summer/fall



-- at least one week in Northern Michigan hunting for beach glass and petosky stones.



-- Winter Olympics in 2010 at Whistler Ski resort in Canada

I guess I am feeling a little trapped :)

Happy Unbirthday

Yeah! We made it to 32 weeks (and counting). Big milestone in my mind because if I was having triplets, I would have probably delivered today! Sorry, no triplets on board, only a singleton, but you get the point!

Greg decided we would celebrate and went out and got steaks and a cake, and told Gracie we were having a party. Well, when you are 3 years old, every party is a BIRTHDAY party, so of course we had to sign "happy birthday", but since we did not want to inspire the baby to come out, we sang happy UNbirthday. Fine time had by all.

My bed rest gave me an opportunity to realize the little things in life that most people take for granted. (I'm sure you will all understand. . .) Things like daily showers, cooking your own meals, sitting up to EAT your meals, blow drying your hair, taking a walk, etc. However, I will never remember missing any of those things once I get a little squalling baby to hold.

Thought I would share this funny video of Gracie. Her Aunt Suzanne put a video up on her blog for Gracie, and Gracie liked it so much we, have watched it over a dozen times... and each time she talks to it as if they can hear her. What a blessing!

Happy Easter!

Hope everyone out there had a good Easter! Gracie sure had a nice time and has mastered the art of the hunt... easter egg that is!

Doing a holiday on bedrest is certainly different. First, I had to let Greg do the shopping. Scary what a man can come home with. I mean, does a 3 year old need 5 bags of stuff from Walgreens!!! She certainly seemed to enjoy it all, so who am I to complain? Actually, I am grateful that between my sister and her "few" things she got for Gracie's basket, and Greg and his purchases, Gracie really seemed to enjoy the day.

For me, it was just another day to cross off the calendar. Without church or a lovely brunch, it just did not seem like a special day. Next year, I am so wearing a bonnet and having a Mimosa!

I guess that is the bedrest weariness getting to me. I am even thinking about taking up crochet.

JuJus & Bologna

Anyone who has ever been pregnant can certainly appreciate the cravings of pregnancy. I have become a total victim of suggestive marketing. Last night I saw a commercial for bologna and I would have wept with joy if I someone had walked in at that moment with a slice! Ewww, I know. I even made Greg check the freezer just in the offer chance we had any. No luck.

On the up side, my JuJu craving was finally satisfied when Greg went to the gas station and I told him to not come home without something chewy (I had mentioned the need for some JuJus, Mike&Ikes, etc. numerous times in the past week, but apparently now loudly or clearly enough). Alas, he finally came through with both Mike&Ikes and Twizzlers. Yumm! Don't tell anyone, but have them secretly stashed away in the linen closet. Pregnant ladies are not much for sharing!

I have been trying to keep busy with trashy novels and "telecommuting" to work, but apparently I have begun to lost track of time as I completely missed Greg's birthday yesterday -- not a card, a DingDong cake (*yes, I have a secret stash of those too(!) in the laundry room), not even the courtesy of a "Happy Birthday." I may be a bi**h a lot of the time, but even I am not that bad. He pointed it out to me at about 11:00 pm. Needless to say, he was a little upset. Gracie and I tried to make it up to him with a double-layer DingDong cake at 8 am this morning, and of course a candle. Gracie blew the candle out before I could even get her to say happy birthday. We ended up lighting it & blowing it up several times. Fun times by all!

Today marks my 4th week of bed rest, and my 29th week (and 1 day) of pregnancy. Baby is still holding strong, and is now over 2 1/2 pounds. I expect based on my last ultrasound, I will easily be here for at least another 5-7 weeks. Overwhelming when I think of it in terms of months, so I just take it in 7 day increments.

28 WEEKS

Yeah! I made it to 28 weeks!!!!

The highlight was Starbucks. Greg stopped at Starbucks on his way home and took my "instruction list" in (tall half-caf non-fat no-foam latte with 1 Equal - how hard is that to remember) with him, which was clearly written out on yellow notebook paper and handed it to the Barista who immediately started laughing and commented that clearly the drink was not for him. When he explained that it was for his pregnant wife on bed rest, they gave it to him for free!! Rock on. You KNOW I love my free stuff.

Went to the Doctor (specialist) today for my check up. Baby is weighing 2 lbs., 13 oz. (Go fatty!) and would not stop moving. Unfortunately, my cervix is below 1 cm again, so looks like bed rest continues. Seriously doubt my OB is going to lift any restrictions next week. Need to start facing facts that this may be my life for the next 8-9 weeks.

Basically, I am on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges. What do I do to stay busy? Here's my list:

• I am catching up on all the new characters on my Soaps.



• Doing a lot of reading - thanks Mom for all the trashy novels



• Surfing the Internet, send email, and generally harass my staff via my laptop computer



• Online shopping - need I say more?



• Art projects with Gracie

What's my baby doing?

• Eyebrows and eyelashes are now present, and the hair on the head is growing.



• The eyelids open, and the eyes are completely formed.



• Muscle tone is gradually improving.



• The lungs are capable of breathing air but if the baby is born now, it would struggle to properly breathe.



• s/he can recognize my voice now

February 14th -- BEDREST

So I gave gone & done it. Been ordered onto bedrest. :(

As most (all?) of you know, my OB and Perionatologist have been monitoring my cervix as there has been some concern that my cervix may be opening (i.e., possible incompetent cervix).

I had been holding strong at 2.4cm. However, when I went in on Thursday, my cervix has shortened to .8 cm and I have started to funnel (signs the cervix is starting to efface). The Peri called my OB while I was in the office and came back ten minutes later and declared “bedrest.”

As of today, I am 25 weeks, 4 days, so who knows how long this will last. Baby is considered viable at this point, but would have considerable problems if delivered right now. Making it to 28 weeks is critical in terms of increased changes of viability (better than 90%) and fewer premi complications.

So here I lay twiddling my thumbs. Cannot imagine doing this for weeks on end, but better than the alternative.

Gracie is keeping busy with her new gymnastics class. Perfect activity for a kid who likes to bounce around. She has been very busy practicing her forward and backward somersaults and learning to do a headstand!

She has also been a great bedrest buddy. As you can see from the pic, she has even incorporated her body and the walls into current art projects to make sure I am not bored!

With the new year I have this great need to get my home - personal life - work life in order, yet seem to be getting nothing done, so in the end I just have more stress. However, I still have the ambition so perhaps I can just make it all happen if only by sheer will ( and perhaps some bullheadedness?).

I had my level 2 ultrasound the 1st of the year, and the only thing of concern right now is my cervix -- there seems to be some concern that my cervix may be opening (i.e., possible incompetent cervix).

Accdg to the Dr. I am a little dilated at the outer cervix opening and my cervix lengh is fair. Who knew cervixes had lengths? So for now, we are "monitoring the situation."

On the up side, the nausea finally started to let up @ 21 weeks. Still don't what liar came up with the " just try & survive your 1st trimester and the 2nd trimester will be so much easier" B.S.! Ha! But cannot complain too much as I am still shocked that I am currently in the "state" that I am - this truly is a miracle.

Of course I am totally unprepared for a new baby. Grace is still fighting the potty training (okay, I admit she has lazy parents who have not pushed the issue) and is still happy as a clam in her crib. Need to get out of my holding pattern & take action! Or prisoners? Both sound good.

Gracie turned 3 this month! So big! Time is flying by with her and I just love watching her grow! She has a great sense of humor and is ALWAYS on the move.

Holiday catchup

Christmas was very nice. Stayed in Indy until Christmas day, and then drove down to my sister Sues on Christmas afternoon. Got to see everyone and have some fun, but mom & jack had to leave a day early due to mom having taken a spill on the 20th (or 21st?) and breaking her foot. Dear Rosie.

Besides that mishap, everyone was in good and shape and fun times had by all and wayyyy too many presents. Got home from Suzanne's on the 31st, so just now catching up on things. Was delayed coming home a day due to the flu (yes, me too!) , but finally made it home and finally starting to feel like a human being !

I am feeling good. Still have the morning sickness (a/k/a any time of the date sickness) but had this with Gracie until 24 weeks so no surprises that is has not gone away.

Had an amnio on December 19th (NOT an enjoyable experience!) and got the results back last week that everything is NORMAL - no chromosomal abnormalities. yeah!!!

Happy New Year!

I thought I would entitle this Blog "Expect the Unexpected" because that seems to be the theme of my life now-a-days.

My current story starts back in October. Greg and I had been trying to get pregnant for the second time for over 2 years and were at the point of finally going for it - IVF or bust. While waiting for my next cycle to begin so we could start the "IVF protocol," I started experiencing all sorts of stomach problems, to the point I thought I had an ulcer. I eliminated flu, food poisening and everything else I could think of (I even changed my water filter on my sink convinced I was poisening myself with bacteria since it had been so long since my lazy btt had changed it) before calling my General Practioner. If it tells you how often I go see the doctor, it had been so long since I saw my G.P. that they had to treat me as a new patient!

Well a few days before my doctor's appointment, I happened to be in Wendys and got my first indication of the problem -- I could smell the oil in the deep fryer! That may not mean much to some of you, but super-spidey sense of smell in my world only means one thing - prego!

A quick trip to the Dollar store and a pregnancy test later, I confirmed my suspicions. We were pregnant and all on our own!