I woke up this morning after a very insightful dream. It's amazing how dreams are insightful during the hours of 2-4 AM. I decided that I was like a great granite table -that you found on sale. The most Beautiful table - and the only thing wrong with it was it had a small chip off the corner. When you looked at the table you didn't see the chip - just saw theBeautiful granite top. At the time you said I won't mind the chip - I'll never even see it. It's such a small part of the beautiful table. And you buy it & you take it home and it's the most amazing brilliant, beautiful thing you've ever seen.
But eventually you keep bumping into the chip. The chip scratches your skin, it's snags your favorite sweater. It gets to a point you never see the Beauty of the table anymore -you just see that chip - the chipped damaged corner. So it's no longer a beautiful table - it's just a damaged piece.
Then, more time passes and eventually you realize you can sand the chipped corner, smoothing the edges down so it's no longer harmful and damaged. The damage is still there, but it's less than it was before.and you're back to seeing the table that you originally loved. But now you see its beauty -& all its flaws. But you still love it and perhaps even love it more because of its character - it's perfections - it's imperfections.
Yes, I got all that at 4 o'clock in the morning.
If you haven't found it yet and you're on Facebook, timehop is an awesome app! Was looking through one year -two years ago today -to see what pictures I had posted, my comments I had made. A year ago I talked about how cancer has taken a lot from our family & How I hoped to"re-find" my faith and for prayers over the last year to be answered.
Well the journey continues. Still working on figuring out where my faith got stuck. A lot of bitter conversations with God have occurred. Still no resolution. But we're still talking. So I figure that's a good thing.
Prayers I made werent answered. Dreams were crushed. Life courses irrevocably changed.The loss of my sister and best friend this year has nearly crushed me.The emptiness, pain, and survivors guilt sometimes is so overwhelming. But in those moments all I can do is smack myself and remind myself that Suzanne would do *anything* to be here -right now -doing whatever it is that I'm doing. So I forge it on, slightly damaged but still intact, doing my best to live a full, amazing life as she would expect -and demand -of me.
